Don’t be a Dick

#dontbeadick

I’ve recently stumbled into a bit of controversy in my career as a romantic comedy author. A couple of months ago I released an much anticipated sequel to a bestselling book. As a result, some of my fans are infuriated with me, as in spitting, hock-a-loogie mad. As in, “I’m never reading your books again, you horrible woman…” irate.

Every author receives negative views, it’s expected. It’s almost a rite of passage to get your first 1-star review on a new release. Yet I’ve noticed a trend lately. There’s a new nastiness to reviews that didn’t seem to exist before social media became our “go-to” avenue of communication. It’s been a human characteristic since Aesop– familiarity breeds contempt.

Once upon a time, when the only way to communicate with an author, was to write them a letter and send it to their publisher, people didn’t unleash their vitriol so freely. If it took time and effort and they had to think, “Is this really worth doing? Do I really feel this passionately?” they would realize their feelings were not particularly that strong. It was a heat of the moment thing.

In our current Kardashian-driven world of “my life is your life” and nothing is private, barriers are lowered and people feel comfortable slinging their opinions willy nilly as though there aren’t real people behind the tens of thousands of written words and hundreds of hours of sweat and tears involved in completing a manuscript.

I was toodling around a fellow author’s page on Facebook the other day and came across an announcement that author CM Foss was stepping out of the writing game. CM is known for writing contemporary romances. In her swan song letter of resignation, as it were, she states the following:

“I have watched others (and certainly been there myself) literally killing themselves to get a book out. They do a million takeovers, give away thousands of books, give gift cards of their own money, mail out paperbacks and swag like it’s free, politely beg for reviews, entertain, hold their tongue when their work is torn apart and shrug off senseless character attacks. Daily.”

She goes on to say:

As for me, I’ll be closing my laptop and unplugging my Kindle. I’ll be reading old-fashioned paperbacks and re-reading old favorites. My writing life is a chapter closed. My books are unpublished. My last stash has been signed and shipped to The Bookworm Box, so if you get a hankerin’ for one, give them your money. They’ll do right by it.”

She signs her letter: God bless, peace out, and #dontbeadick

I’m not exactly sure what pushed CM Foss to walk away from six published works. She’s held strong to her word of leaving the industry and hasn’t responded to my attempts at communication. It seems, though, it is at least in part a result of shoddy treatment by some readers. And she is/was an author with very good reviews.

The #dontbeadick hashtag got me to thinking. Acting like a dick has become acceptable in our world. I’m not sure where manners have gone. Perhaps we are all so desperate to have someone hear us that we go overboard in our opinions to reach that aim.

I, for one, am pleased when a reviewer doesn’t like my work and takes well thought out time to explain their opinion, honestly, not hatefully. Often I don’t agree, because hey, I’m my biggest fan. But I do think about what they say and it does impact my future work.

One woman counted the times I used vulgarity in a particular book. It was part of her review. At first I was offended. Vulgarity is part of our world. When my character is screaming mad, I will not have her yell, “Geezy Pete, you hurt my feelings!” when what is really required is a good old-fashioned “Fuck you!” But you know what? That review weighed heavily on my mind when I wrote my next book and I consciously realized vulgarity was not needed as frequently.

Book reviews are just one small part of this epidemic. Last week I saw a video on social media about a woman berating a checker at Walmart for being slow and messing things up. It turns out, his mom committed suicide that morning and he had to go to work because he was now the head of his household and they needed the money, and because he had the added expense of burying his mother.

I was in a restaurant last week when a lady at the table next to us unleashed on the server because her food wasn’t prepared exactly to her specifications. She made threats and demands with spittle flying. The poor server was near tears.

This morning, I was driving down a road near my house, to see the car in front of me tailgating the car in front of him. When the road opened to two lanes, he drove by the other car, laid on his horn and gave the driver the finger. As I passed, I noticed the slow driver was an old woman who looked scared out of her mind.

All of this leads me to ask, where the heck has common decency gone? What’s happened to our ability to react proportionately? Do we all feel so small, so underappreciated in our lives that we need to lash out at others in a misguided attempt to regain our power?

There is something to be said for catching more flies with honey than crap. If your food comes out cold, send it back. If your checker at Walmart is slow, cut him some slack for being human with problems just like the rest of us. If you don’t like a book, say why you don’t like it, but be respectful. When an old woman is driving slowly in front of you, don’t tailgate her and make her more fearful. Back off and ask, “What if that was my mom?” Throw her some good joo joo. But I implore you to stop with the personal attacks and rage. Go the extra mile to be thoughtful and on point, not malicious and out of control.

Don’t let good manners and compassion become extinct. Let’s use them and teach them to our children. Do unto others as we would have them do unto us. Remember the karmic wheel. And when you’re full of righteous indignation and fury at an author, waiter, checkout clerk or old woman in traffic, remember the thoughtful words of author, CM Foss, #dontbeadick.

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33 thoughts on “Don’t be a Dick

  1. Focus on the many pleasant people with which you interact. I am not sure what has gotten into people. I have received shockingly nasty letters from clients of many years. I am not sure if people have become less pleasant or if some people are simply more communicative of their nastiness. Whatever: just think about all the many other people who accept, warmly, you and your wonderful stories.

  2. I think people need to get a life and quit being so petty. If you are going to offense to every little thing in a book why are you reading. Maybe you should be reading non-fiction or autobiographies. You are right people are so cruel and there is no reason for it. I love your books and you are now my favorite author.

  3. This reminds me of an article I saw recently about a young woman posting a pic of a larger woman changing at her gym and ridiculing her body shape. This is just beyond cruel. I think that seeing the world from behind a screen sort of shields people from the hurt they are causing others. Sad to hear that it affected an author’s decision to stop writing though. ‘They’ keep telling us to get on social media, to connect – maybe it’s all a bit over-rated!

  4. Hi Whitney! Great post with a great reminder to us all. It does appear that SM has made it far too easy for us to fly out of control with our opinion of the moment without any thought to how it might impact others–or even ourselves at a later time. Far better to pause before we react and to carefully consider that the words we type are a “vibration of sorts” that will likely return to us like boomerang sometime in the future. May we all not only #notbeadick, may we all be the change we wish to see in the world. ~Kathy

  5. Reblogged this on R. L. Martinez and commented:
    I honestly don’t know what the hell is wrong with people these days. I have been very fortunate so far to have very respectful reviewers – even if they didn’t like the book they didn’t attack it or me. That may not continue, but I truly hope and pray it does.

  6. I truly only read this because after posting a (rather dickish) post on my own blog I needed to take a break. It’s a beautifully written post. Completely got me out of my politically minded anger that I’ve been holding on and with the exception of my current post (it needed to be said man) I agree with every word. I will now follow and look forward to reading more.

  7. This is something I’ve been wondering myself as well. Online I will see two different opinions and BOTH get death threats and shit slung at them. What happened to letting someone have an opinion––even an opinion that most would find offensive?

    More recently, I got yelled at by another driver for accidentally blocking a road. I was in an unfamiliar town during the 4th of July and a huge festival and had been at the hospital for 12 hours due to my mother’s surgery to remove a cancerous tumor. I wonder what that guy would have thought if I had been able to stop him and inform him of that. Would he have been so quick to shout at me?

  8. Thanks for a very thoughtful post. I always wonder why people spend so much energy on their meaness when it costs nothing in terms of psychic energy to be kind. There is a chronic shortage of patience out there for sure.

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